I realize that I said that the new edition of The Talisman of Zandria is REVISED! and EXPANDED! But then I never really gave an example of what that means. So I decided to post a few snippets that compare the old version with the new one.
The opening, for instance, used to look like this:
Ivy Peterson was not ordinary. Nor was she extraordinary or unusual. Ivy Peterson was Less-than-Ordinary. At least she thought she was. With her mouse brown hair, plain brown eyes, and average height, she knew that she absolutely could not be picked out of a crowd of other eleven year olds. Even the small freckles sprinkled across her nose were Less-than-Ordinary. Ivy was so very Less-than-Ordinary that she sometimes felt invisible.
It’s not bad, but it could be better. So now it is:
Ivy Peterson was not ordinary. She wasn’t extraor dinary or unusual, either. Ivy Peterson was, in her educated opinion, Less-than-Ordinary. If she were in a crowd of other eleven-year- olds, for example, she would not stand out. Her hair was not blond, or naturally curly, but the exact, boring shade of a ﬁeld mouse. Her brown eyes were not the color of chocolate or brownies or cof fee, they were just brown. She was neither tall nor short. There were some small freckles sprinkled across her nose, but even they did nothing to pull her up to Ordinary status. Ivy was so very Less- than-Ordinary it made her invisible
Much more descriptive, I think. Draws a reader in and tells them exactly how Ivy feels about herself. Here’s another example:
While she lay there thinking – actually worrying about the next math test – she heard something strange. She popped her head out of the pile and looked around. She listened very carefully. After a moment, she heard the noise again. It was like a small bell ringing, but not quite, and it sounded close. The sound came from the woods that edged her backyard. Ivy stood up as quietly as possible, brushed the leaves off of her jeans, and tiptoed toward the woods. She stopped right at the edge; she heard it again, and thought that maybe her neighbors’ cat, Squiggles, had gotten loose again and she was hearing the bell on his collar.
She lay tucked inside the pile, breathing in the scent of moldy leaves and thinking. Actually, she was doing more worrying than thinking. She was worrying about her next math test, although math was her best subject. She was running numbers through her head when she heard a strange sound.
She sat straight up, destroying the leaf pile, and listened very carefully. Had she imagined it? Then, after a moment, she heard the noise again. It was like a tiny bell, but there was something odd about it. The sound, if her ears were working properly, had come from the woods that bordered her back yard. She stood, brushing the leaves from her jeans and picking them from her hair, and crept toward the woods. She stopped on the very edge, barely breathing so she could listen. She heard it again.
I’m being silly. It’s probably just Squiggles.
Her neighbor, Mrs. Horowitz, had a fat white cat who was always escaping. He wore a bell on his ﬂuffy pink collar. No one had bothered to ask Ivy her opinion, but she thought maybe the reason Mr. Squiggles kept running away was because Mrs. Horowitz made him wear a ﬂuffy pink collar and talked to him like a baby. But that wasn’t any of her business.
Yes, a bit longer, but also a bit more interesting. These are just two tiny examples, the whole book is so much better now. It’s a fun little adventure, so I hope you’ll give it a try. You can get it on Amazon, or B&N, or from Zumaya Publications.